she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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