i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
