He asked to "fluff my boner.."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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