someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
