a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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