Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
