she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
