Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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