I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
