He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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