Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
