would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't deserve a penis
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize