omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
