I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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