I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
