I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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