the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
