I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
