The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
