I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
