Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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