dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
