Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
