i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
