I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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