non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
