If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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