Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
