We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
operation have a gay friend backfired
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
