Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you will always have a special place in my vag
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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