tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
