Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize