I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
this hospital has no fireball
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
