apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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