4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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