When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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