Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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