dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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