Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
