how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize