My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
