Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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