I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
