lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
