I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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