Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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