Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
