mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
