1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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