Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
