$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
