Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
