I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
