imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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