I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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