You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
