That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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