Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
