Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
