I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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