the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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