so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
