After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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