Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
